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Sussan Ley's Australia Day History Remix

Oh, Sussan Ley, the gift that keeps on giving. In a speech delivered on Australia Day—arguably the most polarizing date on the calendar—she blessed us with her unique interpretation of history. Who else could liken the arrival of the British in 1788 to Elon Musk’s Mars missions? Bold. Innovative. Utterly bananas.

According to Ley, those 11 ships didn’t come with shackles or disease. No, they were like astronauts, bravely stepping onto a “new experiment and a new society.” You know, except for the minor detail that there were already people there—people with 65,000 years of culture, language, and connection to the land. But hey, don’t let historical accuracy get in the way of a good colonial fairytale, right?

It’s a fascinating approach: rebranding colonization as a sci-fi adventure. Next, are we going to hear that the frontier wars were just “spirited debates”? Or that the stolen generations were merely an “exchange program”?

Let’s not forget her real pièce de résistance—comparing the First Fleet to Musk’s SpaceX escapades. Yes, because nothing screams “progress” like the richest man on Earth burning taxpayers money on rockets while his factory workers allegedly struggle to unionize. The parallels are uncanny, truly.

But don’t worry, Ley didn’t stop at that tone-deaf analogy. She also managed to swipe at Indigenous Australians protesting Invasion Day by calling them “fixated on projecting themselves as survivors.”

What a line. Imagine scolding people for being too focused on surviving the fallout of the same historical event you’re sugar-coating. Chef’s kiss, Sussan.

And then, of course, we have Peter Dutton—because no story about tone-deaf politics would be complete without him. Hot on the heels of Ley’s comments, Dutton announced a new shadow ministerial role inspired by none other than Musk.

Enter the “Department of Government Efficiency,” or DOGE, because nothing boosts public trust like naming your political platform after a meme cryptocurrency.

Apparently, Musk and Trump are the Coalition’s new patron saints. Forget addressing climate change, the housing crisis, or First Nations reconciliation—Dutton’s priorities are deregulation, less “woke nonsense,” and taking notes from a guy who wants to colonize space because Earth is too messy. Leadership goals, clearly.

Meanwhile, Prime Minister Anthony Albanese called for unity and decried the rise of political polarization. He lamented Dutton’s absence from the national citizenship ceremony, accusing him of always “looking for the wedge.”

A fair critique, but perhaps a tad optimistic—polarization isn’t just creeping into Australia; it’s showing up in a MAGA hat and a Tesla-branded spacesuit.

So, here’s where we stand: Sussan Ley is rewriting history with Musk in mind, Peter Dutton is cosplaying Trump, and Gina Rinehart is taking notes on Mar-a-Lago brunch menus.
The future is here, folks. Or maybe it’s just a rerun of the worst parts of the last decade.

But here’s the thing, Sussan—history isn’t a sci-fi film where British “astronauts” land on a pristine, uninhabited planet.

The First Fleet didn’t arrive on a blank slate; they landed in a place that was already home to hundreds of nations with rich cultures, languages, and systems of governance.

The narrative that they came “in peace” conveniently glosses over the reality of what followed: displacement, disease, stolen land, and massacres.

And since we’re fact-checking your creative history lesson, Sussan, let’s take a moment to revisit some actual evidence.

According to meticulous research from historians and Indigenous groups, there were at least 250 massacres of Indigenous Australians during the colonial era, with over 6,000 Aboriginal people killed in Queensland alone. Yes, 6,000—just in one state.

For those who prefer to believe the “First Fleet didn’t destroy or pillage,” here’s a map documenting these massacres in chilling detail: Evidence of 250 Massacres of Indigenous Australians Mapped.

Each dot on that map represents lives lost, families torn apart, and cultures eroded. If that’s not “destruction,” what is?

And then there’s the bigger picture of systemic harm that continues to this day. From the Stolen Generations to disproportionately high rates of incarceration and poverty, the impacts of colonization are no distant memory—they’re lived experiences for Indigenous people right now.

Evidence of 250 massacres of Indigenous Australians mapped

While some frontier massacres were widely publicised, in most cases a code of silence was imposed in colonial communities in the immediate aftermath.

Frontier massacres were only referred to indirectly. According to The Queenslander, 1 May 1880, p.560, the ‘bush slang’ word ‘dispersal’ was often used as a convenient euphemism for ‘wholesale massacre’.

Other euphemisms such as ‘clear the area’, ‘pacify’, ‘teach them a lesson’, ‘affray’, ‘collision’, or ‘fell upon’ were also used.

But hey, why address those realities when you can just shrug them off as “loudspeakers and iPhones,” right?

So here’s a gentle reminder, Sussan, for those of us tethered to facts instead of fantasy: the arrival of the First Fleet wasn’t the start of a “new experiment.”

It was the beginning of a violent takeover—one that dispossessed the world’s oldest continuous culture. It’s an uncomfortable truth, but discomfort is necessary when healing wounds that span centuries.

For anyone reading this, facts don’t hide. They don’t disappear just because someone in a tailored suit says otherwise.

The truth is out there—mapped, documented, and remembered by those who refuse to let history be rewritten. Let’s keep holding onto that, even when politicians attempt to bury it under their next glossy soundbite.

Happy Australia Day. Or Invasion Day. Or whatever Musk’s algorithm tells us to call it next year.

Ah, Sussan Ley—Australia’s very own political chameleon, always ready with a patronizing smile and a policy stance that seems ripped straight from the “What Would Margaret Thatcher Do?” handbook. But before we get to her political misadventures, let’s take a moment to appreciate the rich tapestry of privilege that brought us this delightful conservative warrior.

Sussan Ley: The Great White Hope of Australian Conservatism

Born in Nigeria (yes, irony is alive and well), raised by a British Intelligence officer father who rubbed elbows with UAE royals, and eventually deposited into the sunburnt heart of Queensland—Ley’s background is a colonial fever dream. It’s as if the British Empire itself whispered, “Go forth and uphold the status quo, dear child.” And oh, how she listened.

Her father, an agent of Her Majesty’s intelligence services, spent his days ensuring British interests were properly… aligned in the Middle East before moving to Australia to embrace the noble art of farming. Because nothing says “fresh start” like swapping imperial duty for a nice, quiet life in rural Queensland—before pivoting to the Australian Federal Police. A seamless transition, really, from managing empire to upholding law and order. How very on-brand.

And her mother? A nurse at Toowoomba Hospital. The classic picture of mid-century British migration: intelligence, law enforcement, healthcare—proud pillars of the Commonwealth. But let’s not kid ourselves: Ley’s rise wasn’t exactly an underdog story. She was groomed for a life of structure, hierarchy, and, let’s be honest, a certain disdain for those who don’t quite fit the mold.

Fast forward to her political career, and surprise, surprise—she’s a loyal foot soldier of the Liberal Party, tirelessly working to ensure that Australia remains just comfortable enough for the right people. A warrior against progressive policies, an apologist for outdated economic doctrines, and a connoisseur of racially coded rhetoric that somehow isn’t racist, just “common sense.”

So, the next time you hear Sussan Ley wax poetic about “real Australians” and the dangers of progressive policies, just remember: her roots run deep in the fertile soil of colonial nostalgia. And like any good inheritor of the empire’s legacy, she’s here to protect the establishment—one smug, dismissive soundbite at a time.

Long live the Commonwealth. Or at least, the parts of it that matter.

Ah yes, the infamous taxpayer-funded “real estate reconnaissance mission”—because why should an elected official use her own money when the public purse is just sitting there, waiting to be tapped like an ATM with no withdrawal limit?

Sussan Ley’s Magical Mystery Flight: A Real Estate Adventure on Your Dime

Back in 2017, then-Health Minister Sussan Ley found herself in a little oopsie involving a taxpayer-funded flight to Queensland, where—completely by chance, of course—she ended up purchasing a luxury Gold Coast apartment. Because when duty calls, sometimes it calls from the balcony of a freshly acquired beachside investment.

The official story? She was on important government business in Queensland, doing the serious work of a cabinet minister. The actual story? While on this oh-so-vital taxpayer-funded trip, she conveniently found the time to snap up a $795,000 property at Main Beach, one of the Gold Coast’s more exclusive locales. Just your typical impulse buy, really.

Ley later insisted it was totally unplanned—as if people just stumble into a high-end property purchase like they accidentally add an extra avocado to their grocery cart. Oops! Guess I own a luxury apartment now. Who knew?

Naturally, when this little detail came to light, Australians were thrilled to learn that their hard-earned money was helping a sitting minister expand her real estate portfolio. Public outrage forced her to resign from the frontbench, though in classic political fashion, the scandal was treated less like blatant misuse of funds and more like an unfortunate “misunderstanding.”

Of course, she didn’t stay out of power for long—because in politics, accountability is just a temporary inconvenience. Fast forward a few years, and she’s right back in the mix, proving once again that in the Australian Liberal Party, if you play your cards right, there’s always a second act.

So, the next time you wonder where your tax dollars are going, just imagine Sussan Ley soaking in the Gold Coast sun, sipping a well-earned glass of chardonnay on the balcony of her taxpayer-assisted “accidental” investment. Cheers! 🍷

Biased History

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