ANZ bank will be scrapping all fees associated with personal banking accounts as of January 1 2017, CEO Shayne Elliot told staff and shareholders today.

In an email sent earlier this morning and obtained by Forward News writers, Elliot admitted that the majority of costs associated with personal banking (such as ATM withdrawal fees, account transfer fees, inactivity fees and other hidden administrative fees) were completely arbitrary figures that had little relation to the actual resources needed to complete them.

“People can’t really believe that it costs anywhere up to $3 every time they use their bank card at a different institution’s ATM, or that it costs $50 per annum to maintain an account that’s accessed three times a year,” said Elliot in the email.

“So in all good conscience, we can’t continue to charge like we are.”

According to the email, not only does ANZ make more than enough profit before personal banking fees are even calculated, but there are also many areas of the business that can absorb the impact.

“Look at our advertising budget, for instance. We spend tens of millions of dollars every year having creative ad agencies come up with wanky new ways to convince people we’re their friends and that they should hand their money over to us, while at the same time slogging them with all these bullshit fees.”

“From now on, all of our advertising will be simple black and white messages demonstrating how much cheaper we will be to bank with than our competitors.

“Instead of portraying our bank as the friendly-looking hipster who’s secretly stealing your money behind your back, we’re going to be the stern, hard-nosed nanna – tough, austere, but incredibly fair.”


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